4 Years Down

You know I never thought I would be back, that I would ever pick up 'blogging' again, if you can even call this blogging, but I guess it's just the reality of it, nothing is ever certain isn't it? After all they say that the only thing certain in life is death.

I always thought of blogging as... well I don't know what I think of blogging actually. But perhaps I see now why people do it. I see why some keep a diary, heck I even can start to understand why people would pay prostitutes top dollar just so that they have someone to talk to. All this bottling up of mixed emotions, both the good and the bad, without an outlet really rips a person apart. I thought I was stronger than that, but I guess I overestimated myself one too many times, on one too many things. In the end we all still crave acceptance, crave the company of other people, crave purpose.

So here I am, foolish enough to think that I could stand alone. You fool! You put all your eggs in one big basket and discarded the rest. Now that your big basket is broken, nothing's left to hold your eggs, and you have to carry them in your arms as you walk along, dropping them bit by bit as you try desperately to hold on to what you have left. You swear to yourself that you won't let this ever happen to you again, but yet somehow deep inside something tells you that you would do it all over again. I guess that's it then, you can never move on unless that something tells you that you would do it differently the next time around, does that even happen?

I always dreaded it from the start, the poetic irony that is dance, which brought us together was also the wedge that drove us apart. Was it dance? It could have been just us spending more time with each other that brought us together, was it just the homesickness that brought you closer to me? Maybe it was, maybe it's because of that that we were doomed to fall apart, I don't know. Whatever it was, my love was real, and no matter what you may think of my past, you really were the only one I have ever loved so much.

Looking back, I keep telling myself that I didn't do enough, but no, I will admit now, I tried my best, I gave you my all, it cost me dearly and I don't know if I'll ever be able to pour so much of myself into anyone anymore. I forgive and forget easily, and I can never stay angry for long, much less at you, but yes I deserve to be angry at some things, so I will permit myself to be angry. You know I remember you once saying "If you can't have me at my worst, then surely you don't deserve me at my best." those were some of the most hurtful words I ever heard, you would then go on about how you needed me and if you go, you were gone for good. They were the most hurtful because they just threw everything we had together out of the window for me to pick them up and beg you to come back. I guess that's why I still feel so angry and mad when I do, because you said you needed me and yet it no longer seems to be the case.

You found new people to befriend, many of whom are much better people than I am, and I am happy for you, I truly am. I guess now that I can get off what's always been making me so mad all this time I can slowly start to open up. (Step 1: Acknowledge that there is a problem)

This shouldn't turn into an angry rant, it's not like me, but I guess that's one thing I have off my mind now. I haven't done this in so long, that's enough for now.